I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Moan for me like Helen Keller
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
