non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
a search helicopter?!
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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