Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
