Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Randomize
