i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
