Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
