i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
