We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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