he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
