we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
My bed smells like the plague
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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