I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
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OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
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it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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