You don't have asthma, your pregnant
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Randomize
