I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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