your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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