I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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