Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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