I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
