every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
