Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
