2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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