Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
