is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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