u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
