The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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