I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
