At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
