I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
