Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
