I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
