i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I think I just shit out all my problems.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
