Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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