Need sex. Gaining weight.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
