Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She told me I should be a condom model.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
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