My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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