I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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