Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
