if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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