Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
