My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
