Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
