the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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