Someone shit on the floor
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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