he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
