The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
