I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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