If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
