he puts the penis in happiness.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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