ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Drunk is a universal language darling
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
