when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
People in love make me want to vomit
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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