i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
