I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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