apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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