Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
