Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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