You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
