hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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