that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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