you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
