oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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