no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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