Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
