how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
