come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
