Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Drunk is not a location!
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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