i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
