I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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