quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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